No Bones Tim

I dreamed I was running.  I wasn't covering much ground, but i was running as fast I possibly could.  All of my legs were pedals on a ten-speed bike in first gear, each one whirring like something that whirs very quickly.  I was in the lot in front of the house, but it wasn't the lot in front of the house; it was something more like the yard in front of the church.  Someone was telling me to do my tricks, so i do my tricks; i'm jumping 30 or 40 feet in the air and I'm doing what must be 100 spins.  When I reach the ground I roll 13 times; I'm really rolling.  I roll so far that I end up in the backyard; it had to have been more than 13 times now that I think about it.  Anywho, I'm in the backyard now.  I see this pile of chicken bones and I just have to have them.  Then my eyes adjust like the camera adjusts in the movies where the background gets blurry and gives way to the foreground; all the bones are behind the new damn fence he put up a few days ago.  No bones for me, even in my dreams.

R.I.P. Fart Barf

1949 - 2012

Fartholomew Noel Barf was born on July 7th, 1949 in Seaside, OR to Lowell and Ingrid Barf.  He graduated from Seaside High School and refused to go to college.  He made a modest living as a commercial refrigeration technician.  His hobbies included walking, whistling, r/c boats and carving his name in bathroom stalls.  He leaves behind two sons: Thomas Barf of Coquille, OR and Allen Barf of Port Angeles, WA.  He was never married.  He passed away suddenly on May 17th of unkown causes.

A celebration of life will be held at Quatat Park in downtown Seaside on his birthday: July 7th, 2012.

Boneyard Beer: Desert Hands to Coast Bodies

It was a good day.  The burden of life had been lifted.  The ringing in my ears had ceased.  Cartoon birds laid upon my shoulders a royal cape made of things commonly found in the forest, leaving little cartoon bird poops as they flittered away.  We placed the keg into it's new home.  We hooked up the CO2.   I found myself in an accidental state.  Todd showed up looking like he had sold some golf clubs.  Wednesday was a good day.  We played with the dog on the floor when we got home.  We laughed at cartoons.  We went to bed and slept hard; our bodies hard at work on 9% should-have-known-better juice.  I dreamed of a bear attack.  Tim twitched and dreamed of the compost pile in the backyard because it had chicken pieces in it somewhere.

Thursday:  There is ringing in my ears.  My forest king cape lay sat on and destroyed on the couch.  A text message from Dave: "wow. new rule - two beer limit".

Note to self :  Wait until Friday.

Passenger: Bo

We figured that we would hit the road.  I was having my mid-life crisis a bit prematurely and he never really gave a flying fart about much of anything.   I used the previous summer fixing up an old Suzuki.  We spent the better half of a week at various pawn shops selling things we stole for a little extra scratch.  Thursday came around; gas in the tank and sandwiches in his little backpack, we left the city limits.  I wore a medium sized helmet, he wore a large; he is a midget.  20miles past the state line a police officer pulled our bike over.  

"I pulled you over because your friend here can't be standing up while the vehicle is in motion." said Officer Janes.

Bo's legs would get tired easily so he would stand on the seat and hold on to my shoulders to stretch.  He would ride like this for a mile or two then sit back down.

"Come on, I don't want to fall off this damn thing more than you don't want me to.  My legs get tired." Squawked Bo.

"No more standing."

"Yeah, yeah, I heard yeh."

Officer Janes took a picture on his phone as he pulled away.  I would like to think that we are still, to this day, his background wallpaper.

You've Tortoise Something Today

A corporate office building "NoArc Inc.". Daytime.

We see an ecstatic young man in business attire rushing through the halls of his building leaving overturned mail-carts and papers flying in his wake.  He reaches the door of the president of the company.  He busts in without hesitation; out of breath:

Young Man:

Sir.  I've got it. The numbers weren't adding up, there was no real balance in any of our event centers.  I was...

President:

THIS is highly inappro...

Young Man:

I know sir, but I may have found the solution to our problem with the Goat Zoo division: We are adding too much of the wrong thing. We add a donkey: nothing.  We add a pig: nothing.  We add the Corner of Ducks exhibit: still nothing!  The only thing keeping the whole operation from going into the shitter is the Llama Greeter and maybe the really, really little goat. The giant rabbit was a great idea, but our development team, they  overlooked it's libido.  I thought it over and over in my head "there HAS to be SOMEthing".  Then it hit me.


(silence)

President:

I'm listening.

Young Man:

African. Spiny. Tortoise.

President:

Of course.  It was right in front of us; this whole time.  Son, you've just earned partner.

(the two shake hands fervently)

~fin~

Angel on Colfax

It's funny that it was even mentioned; it was 100% my fault.  I was slapped very hard across my back as I left the Econolodge; too hard.  I walked two blocks to a studio apartment I was to call my home for the duration of my stay.  When I woke, I was not alone.  He said he worked downtown and that he sold memories to children and their social studies teachers.  We ate Papa John's pizza and didn't think twice about walking a broad out of the building when she was leaving; "hahaha, see ya!" We high-five, "I'm keeping her ear rings."

"My favorite part of Jurassic Park was when Newman got a face full of goo." he would say.
"I like when he says 'clever girl~...' " I would say.

It was a good trip.

Avery Brewing

I flew to Denver to visit one of 13 Andrews I know; I met one more making it 14.  I drove to Boulder:

I had the people at Avery Brewing taproom bring me four giant glasses then pull all the taps at once making a truly unique blend of flavors; Hand of Buddha, White Rascal and Nellie's Brown.  Out of Bounds, Karma and Chinook etc.  After finishing three of the giant, poor-tasting, mixed beers and after I made quite a scene as I tried to leave without paying I understood that there may be a possibility I was drunk.  Scared i would spend the evening in jail, i began crying mid-run/run-flail in my flip flops and cargo sweats.  It was when i found myself in the bathroom and not the parking lot, where my economy Enterprise rent-a-car was, that I had to admit that I, indeed,  had had too much.  So, I made number one while I cried; my nose was running because i was crying - I spit to see what it would be like to have almost all of my humanly fluids coming out of me at one time, it was alright i guess ( a couple more would have sealed the deal).  I returned to my seat.  I was asked to leave.  I bought 2 t-shirts, then I left.

Stephanie

Just a reminder:  The Wilson High Class of 1991-92 will be having it's 20 year reunion on August the 18th at the Ramada Inn and Suites located on 17th and Raleigh!  Festivities will commence at 7pm!  I have started a Facebook group where you can RSVP and have any and all questions answered!  Please RSVP before June 15th!  Come on guys, please respond!  We've know about this for at least a year now and no one has signed up!  Can't wait to see everyone!  GO WILDCATS!!    
                                                                       
                                                              Class President 91'-92'!,
                                                             -Stephanie Willard, oops! teehee! Adams

On the road to Gete

This was given to me by a good friend which may or may not be Ra/'s Al-Ghul:
"When being a child, Bruce Wayne had witnessed with his own eyes the fact his parents of millionaire were killed cruelly, so affected his strong desire of revenging his parents.  However, God had never given him a chance to fulfill his will.  Following the advice of Ra/'s Al-Ghul, the chief of Ninja Group, Bruce come to Gete, which was a corrupted city filled with various crime groups.  Bruce found a basement under his villa, in which the equipments turned him into another person: Spiderman.  With his mask, Spiderman stroke all criminal activities and criminals everywhere, such as Tougon, the chief of Mafia, Doctor Jackstraw, the abnormal drug trafficker, even a mysterious opponents quite familiar with him-----"

I'm a scotch man

It was I, John T. Bartlette IV, who invented scotch whiskey.  I came from a poor family.  As a child i was not particularly bright or handsome.  Nights i would run to my mother, "Mama," i would say, "why am I a no special-zhz?".   "You are a special.  In a the bad way-zhzz~."  She would reply, pointing to my crutches and laughing at my speech impediment.  She would make me so angry that I would, on most days, put my after-school cigar in her just-waking-up whiskey without her ever noticing.  When she did eventually find out what I had been doing I was beaten, but she had grown so used to the taste that she demanded more.  By fourth grade I quit school and was putting half-smoked cigars in bottles of whiskey full time.  I earned so much money that could afford my feet, knees and hip surgery that i so badly needed.  I had my mother and this wonder-drink to thank for my being able to finally walk.  Folks around town even gave me a new nick-name that happened to stick...

                                                                                                             ~Johnnie Walker