I'm a scotch man

It was I, John T. Bartlette IV, who invented scotch whiskey.  I came from a poor family.  As a child i was not particularly bright or handsome.  Nights i would run to my mother, "Mama," i would say, "why am I a no special-zhz?".   "You are a special.  In a the bad way-zhzz~."  She would reply, pointing to my crutches and laughing at my speech impediment.  She would make me so angry that I would, on most days, put my after-school cigar in her just-waking-up whiskey without her ever noticing.  When she did eventually find out what I had been doing I was beaten, but she had grown so used to the taste that she demanded more.  By fourth grade I quit school and was putting half-smoked cigars in bottles of whiskey full time.  I earned so much money that could afford my feet, knees and hip surgery that i so badly needed.  I had my mother and this wonder-drink to thank for my being able to finally walk.  Folks around town even gave me a new nick-name that happened to stick...

                                                                                                             ~Johnnie Walker